I HAD AN ABORTION ON THE 28TH JANUARY 1992, THERE IS NOT ONE SINGLE DAY I HAVE EVER NOT THOUGHT ABOUT IT. MYSELF AND MY HUSBAND HAD TWO CHILDREN, THE YOUNGEST BEING JUST 6 MONTHS. WHEN I LOOK BACK I THOUGHT IT WAS WHAT I WANTED, BUT I WAS JUST SO RUSHED I NEVER HAD TIME TO THINK. IF THERE WAS A TIME I COULD GO BACK TO, IT WOULD BE THEN. I WENT INTO SUCH A SEVERE DEPRESSION THAT I WAS PUT INTO A HOSPITAL AT THE TIME WHEN I WOULD HAVE HAD THE CHILD. I HAD SUCH FEELINGS OF GUILT. I COULDN’T TALK TO ANYONE AS I HADN’T TOLD THEM. I BLAMED MY HUSBAND FOR MAKING ME DO IT. WE SPLIT UP 12 MONTHS LATER FOR 3 YEARS, BUT WE GOT BACK TOGETHER AND SPOKE ABOUT IT FOR THE FIRST TIME. EVEN WHEN I WRITE THIS, I AM CRYING. PLEASE THINK ABOUT THIS BEFORE YOU DO IT. YOU CAN’T PUT THE CLOCK BACK UNFORTUNATELY.

Editor’s note: It’s been a long time for you to carry this secret. It sounds as if you have suffered so much over the years, even though you eventually managed to talk about it with your husband. I believe, however, that there is healing available for you. Guilt, shame, grief and depression are such a common part of women’s stories of abortion but it is not the end. It’s not the ‘unforgiveable sin’. There is a journey of recovery where you can let go but still remember your baby with love and have hope for your future. Please have courage to contact your nearest centre or talk to someone on the helpline or online advisor.