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A late medical abortion at 17 weeks

I had a late medical abortion when I was 17 weeks pregnant.. That was 4 months ago and I'm full of regret. I have never dreamed that I would go through with an abortion so late in my pregnancy but due to exceptional circumstances I felt that I had no option and felt trapped with no one to turn to. Now I have to live with the fact that my baby is gone.
I found out I was pregnant when I was 10 weeks and for the the following month struggled to decide what to do. I wish I had someone to talk to and tell me everything was going to be ok.
I went to the clinic for a consultation to discuss abortion and my options. I asked for a picture at the scan and the scan showed just a circle which I now know was the head circumference. They didn't show me a baby.. They didn't really go through my options regarding adoption or keeping the baby.. They made me feel like I was doing the right thing and that it was going to be a easy.

I took the first pill which I regretted instantly.

I cried all the way home. On the second day I had to return to take the second pills. I was intending not to go back and hoped my baby would be ok. I experienced a slight tummy ache and I looked on the Internet regarding continuing with the pregnancy. I read that I would go on to have a miscarriage and that the baby would end up with problems and would be starved. I wanted him to be at peace so I went for the second set of pills.
After the second dosage of pills I started getting quite severe pain. This went on for about an hour. When my waters broke I felt the baby coming and this happened quite quickly. I watched as my little boy slid onto the bed.

I saw him gasping for air and move his arms and legs.

The nurse tried to cover him up. He was so perfect and all I wanted to do was pick him up but so tiny and fragile. At 17 weeks he looked like a miniature baby. I wish I gave him the chance to live even if I decided to have him adopted.
I will never forgive myself for what I have done. I gave him a burial as it was the only thing I could do for him after what I have done.
I hope that he forgives me.
I believe in pro choice but everyone reading this please make sure it's the right decision and that you have explored all options available to you. I ache for that little boy every day and yes it would have been hard in the beginning if I had him but it would have been ok.

Editor's Comment

A medical abortion at 17 weeks must have been very upsetting. As you describe, your baby was fully formed, and the nurse obviously didn't manage to cover him up before you saw him. It must be very hard for you to remember that image.
It is sad that you were not thoroughly prepared, and pre abortion counselling should have been offered to help you explore all the options, and be sure of your choice. Please contact CareConfidential if we can give you some more post abortion help and support.You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

We are not able to refer directly for termination. We offer clients information on all the options and are well resourced to provide both immediate and long term support as necessary, directing to other agencies as appropriate.
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