I am 39 years old and a mother of 3 beautiful children. I was on birth control until last year when my period became very irregular and I thought I was going through menopause and had let down my guard. In January this year, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. Both my husband and I work full-time. We don’t even have enough time and attention for our existing children. How could we fit a newborn in the already hectic schedule? Thus we agreed that abortion was the right decision for the family.
Because I discovered the pregnancy so early, I could have ended the pregnancy at 5 weeks by taking the pills. At that time, the baby did not even have a heartbeat. But my husband wanted me to wait. We have 2 girls and 1 boy. The girls have a close relationship and the boy seemed left out. My husband had always wanted a second boy to balance the odds. He told me he would work his butt off to support the baby IF IT WAS A BOY. But, if it was a girl, he does not want her because we already have too many girls. Deep in my heart, I had hoped there was a way to save the baby’s life, so I agreed to wait so we could do a DNA blood test and a CSV test to detect the gender of the baby. As days rolled by, I became more and more attached to the baby. It hurt so much to know that she would be aborted if it was a girl.
At 9 weeks, the DNA test result came back. The moment I saw the email from the DNA gender testing company saying “Congratulation, you are expecting a girl,” I broken down immediately. I had a CSV test at 10 weeks which confirmed that the baby was a girl. My husband made it very clear that I had to abort her as we agreed. He said it would be emotionally detrimental to him to have another girl in the family. I knew if I had insisted on keeping the baby, the family might break apart and my 3 children would suffer.
I knew at 11 weeks, the baby was already fully formed. She had a heart, a brain, eyes, ears, mouth, arms, legs, little hands and feet. It hurts so much more knowing she is already a fully formed baby.
I gave her the name “Angela” because she is an angel in my heart. The surgical abortion was schedule at 11 weeks and 2 days. The days leading to my abortion, I cried everyday on my way to work and going home after work. My heart was broken into thousands of pieces. I repeated her name to her. I also repeated her mom, dad, sisters and brother’s names to her. I want to make sure she can find us and we can find her when we meet again in heaven (if we ever make it there).
I chose local anesthesia. I wanted to stay awake during the process so I could say goodbye to her during the last moments of her life and tell her I love her and that I am sorry. I did not want her to go through this horrible experience alone. The entire process lasted approximately 10 minutes, but it seemed like eternity to me. I cried everyday since then.
It has been 2 weeks since the abortion. I know it was the right decision as we were already stretched too thin between 3 kids and our jobs. I know life has to go on. I try to act normal at work and at home. I try to be a better mom for my 3 kids. But this does not stop the pain and guilt in my heart. I will miss her until the day I die.
My little Angela, 11 weeks in mommy’s tummy, forever in mommy’s heart…..
Editor's CommentThis sounds a heartbreaking experience for you and although you are telling yourself that you were 'stretched too thin between 3 children and your jobs', you would have kept the baby if it had been a boy. It would have been easier for you to have chosen abortion at 5 weeks, rather than continuing and hoping against hope that you were carrying a boy. I feel that you are going to struggle to come to terms with this decision, and I would encourage you to seek post abortion help and support, if you find that it is hard to put the pain and the guilt behind you.You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
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