I first fell pregnant 2 years ago when I was 26.
I'd just come out of a long term relationship and re-met my new partner who had been a long term boyfriend at school. It was an accidental pregnancy and the morning after pill had not been effective. As I was still vulnerable from my previous break up and was back at home with my parents and completing a uni course it all seemed like the wrong time for a baby and we booked an abortion.
Although this was booked I firmly believe I wouldn't have been able to go through with it as it didn't feel right at all.
A week before the booked appointment I miscarried at approx 6 weeks on 23/12/2009. Everyone said it was probably the best thing to have happened and knowing I had the abortion booked meant I didn't feel I had the right to grieve or show emotion. I hadn't realised the protective feelings that I would develop for what was in my womb. I had been feeling very broody since this happened and feel I didn't move on. Often when having a drink I would become tearful and want to talk about it with my partner.
A few months ago we decided the time was right to think about having a baby together but after a few failed attempts I started to wonder if I was able to conceive.
I found out I was pregnant on my 28th birthday and we were so excited, I was really scared that I may miscarry again but couldn't help getting carried away with planning with my partner.Only 5 days later I had cramps and light bleeding and in a panic went to the GP who confirmed what I already knew - that I was miscarrying again.
I went on to miscarry and now feel so empty and guilty. I haven't told anyone what happened and feel so angry when people are talking about babies and pregnancy and then feel so unreasonable.
I'm scared about what it means for the future and scared about potentially not being able to provide children for my partner.
Most of all I want to grieve but don't know how and everything just feels so surreal at present and uncertain.
Editor's CommentI wonder if you still have unresolved guilt from your pregnancy that you planned to abort and then miscarried. Maybe you feel you are being punished? I do think you need to grieve not only for the pregnancy you have just lost, but also your previous pregnancy. I suspect that your fears about not being able to carry a baby are wrapped up in these events.
Local centres around the UK offer help and support after miscarriage. They recognise that it is a difficult and painful time, and have a support programme to help you to process some of the emotions you may be feeling. Have a look on the web site to find a centre for miscarriage support in your area.