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A medical abortion on Valentine's day
Its been exactly a year since I chose to have an abortion. Febuary 14th 2010, Valentines day. It is a day that I will never ever forget, not because its the most romantic day of the year but because its the day I completed my medical abortion. I don't think I will ever be able to have a "normal" valentines day, the hurt will always be there I think.
My story began around New Year 2009. Bear with me I know its a long one but I feel I need to write out all the details.
I was introduced to a friend's boyfriend's brother and we hit it off immediately, we had so much in common, same taste in music, things like that.
Stupidly, we drunkenly slept together New Year's eve. We did use protection but the condom must of broke and I wasn't on the pill. We began casually seeing each other, texting and going for a few drinks, watching dvds and things like that. I really started to like him but wanted to take things slow (I'm a bit of a commitment phobe!) I remember it snowed quite a bit in January 2010 so we didn't see each for a bit and things cooled off a little. I didn't really care though, I was having a good time with friends a bit of "social butterfly" about to turn 21.
I was also half way through my college course studying beauty therapy which I loved.
Anyway about a week after my birthday I was at home one evening when I suddenly realised my period was about 3 weeks late. I have always been a bit irregular with periods so didn't really think much of it, but I had a spare pregnancy test in my drawer but without instructions ( I'd had a scare a few months previous and this was the spare one; I remembered that just one line meant it was negative) So I went into the bathroom, ran a bath and took the test, completely expecting the one line to appear again, even though I was starting to get a funny feeling that something was not quite right..I got in the bath and took the test off the side where I'd left it to develop. I just remember looking at it and thinking; "two lines"..thats not right I CAN'T be pregnant!! I couldnt tell how long I sat there just staring at..I didn't even cry to begin with just sat there until the water turned cold and skin turned wrinkly. I eventually got out of the bath thinking in my head "its wrong, its got to be, there's no instructions..I'll buy one tomorrow and everything will be ok-back to normal" I was saying this over and over, trying to convince myself but deep down I knew I was pregnant. I was so scared. my immediate thought was abortion,and how I would hide it from my parents.
All of a sudden everything made sense; the tender breasts, tiredness, mood swings, weeing a lot! I rang my friend in tears and arranged to go to hers in the morning before college and take another test.
That night I hardly got any sleep, I just layed there in the dark thinking how stupid I was and what I was going to do.
The next day I rang college and explained I would be late and then went to Boots and bought a pack of two tests. When the first test came back positive I took the second one (still stubbornly believing that they must be broken; that this could not be happening to me!) which of course came back positive.
I decided to go to the local family planning clinic as I didn't want to go to my GP. I thought he would tell my family ( I still live at home, am an only child and didn't want to disappoint my mum and dad) so I went up there the same morning with my friend and requested an emergecny appointment. The nurse I spoke to was so lovely, she could see I was in shock; a mess! She confirmed my pregnancy and briefly explained and went through my differant options. Abortion, Adoption, and continuing with the pregnancy. She told me that she thought I should take a few days for the shock to set in as everything was still fresh and raw and to come back after the weekend. I had been here before with my friend, she had fallen pregnant the previous year (in a twist of fate it was with the brother of the guy I had been seeing AND on New Year's eve) and I had come with her for support, never once believing it could be me sat on the receiving end of the advice. I had always imagined that when I had a baby I would be in a relationship or married with somebody I loved, that I would be able to support the child financially and emotionally and that I could provide for her, love her and want her....Not alone, absolutely terrified, still living at home and a student!
I went back to college later that morning, but I felt like I wasn't even there, I broke down a few times but didn't explain why and eventually went home early.
Over the next few days I spoke to a few people I was close to and trusted. Got people's opinions, listened to their advice but I knew deep down there was only me who could make my decision.
I ruled out adoption and began to agonise over the choice of abortion or keep the baby. My initial thought HAD been abortion but the longer I thought about it the more I thought I could keep this child, that I could make a go of it..I didn't want to punish the baby for something that was MY mistake. I thought about telling the dad but I wanted to make my decision first, rather than cause him any hurt or mess with his head...then I found out he had long term serious girlfriend. That hurt. I guess before I found that out there was some crazy idea that me and him would get together and raise the baby, but this is real life not some silly disney film.
That weekend I changed my mind a few times, but already I was changing..I didn't have any alcohol, I was carrying myself differently careful not to lift anything heavy in case I damaged my baby. I would lie in the bath and just cradle my stomach. I spent hours on the internet reading articles and information, looking at stages of pregnancy and read all the stories on this website.
I went back to the clinic on the tuesday, still completely unsure of what to do for the best. I saw the same nurse again and explained what I was thinking, that I was going back and forth between the choices. She then told me, in confidence and she said it was probably unprofessional of her, that she had an abortion when she was 19 and explained how difficult that choice was but she's now married with 3 boys and has a successful career. I think her telling me that helped me in a way, as the advice I had received so far was from friends and things I had read on the internet.
I decided to look down the abortion route, and the nurse pulled some strings and got me an appointment at the local hospital the next day where I would go and talk to them, have a scan and for them to go through things in more detail.
I went there the next day with my friend and spoke to a few different people. First of all I had to have my bloods taken and then I had an internal examnination which was very uncomfortable. I then had a scan, which I was told would be very straightforward, however once I was in there they found I had a tilted uterus which was making it hard to see my baby's heartbeat. They needed to see the baby to find out how far gone I was so that the correct choice in procedure was made. So I had to have an internal camera instead of an ultrasound ( I can't remember that correct name for it.) and they confirmed I was about 6 weeks. After this I spoke to a doctor and we talked about the two different procedures. As I wasn't really that far along I was told I would be allowed to have a medical termination. I knew from reading things on the internet that this was a more "natural" option with less risk than the surgical however it would be more painful as you would actually have to "feel" it...I told the doctor I needed more time to make my choice, and I made an appointment for a week later to tell them my decision. I went away with a few things clearer in my mind but still unsure. After a week of feeling sick, tired, crying (god I have never cried so much in my life) and riding an emotional rollercoaster I went back with my decision. I chose to have a the medical abortion...I felt that because it was meant to be a lot more painful this should be the one I have as I should suffer. My reasonings for having the abortion were: I was a student halfway through my course, I couldn't bear to tell my parents; if I didn't have the courage to tell them how could I have the courage to have a child? I had nothing to offer her (I know people say love doesn't cost a thing but being realistic there is more to it than that, the dad was a no hoper, and basically I was scared!
Once I had made my choice I had to be strong and stick it, I knew that I couldn't keep going back and forth between the two choices as it wasn't fair..I guess I shut myself from everybody and went onto auto pilot..pretending evrything was ok, smiling to the people and pretending I was happy when inside I was a mess!
That was the hardest having to hide the morning sickness, trying to keep myself upbeat and happy..knowing that if somebody who didn't know guessed I would break down.
I thought alot about telling the dad and thought he had a right to know (I think I wanted him to tell me not to go ahead with it and that we could be a family) so I text him asking him to call me as I had something really important to talk to him about..he never got back to me. Anyway I went on the friday afternoon and had the first tablet. I knew once I swallowed it there was no going back..that was it. The nurse gave me the tablet and explained what would happen on the sunday (2 days later) and gave me painkillers in case I experienced any cramps etc. I had been given a list of things on my last appointment to bring to the hospital on the day of my actual procedure and a time to be there for. I swallowed the tablet and knew that was the begining of the end..I would no longer have a child inside of me, no longer be a mummy. I reasoned with my self that this was for the best and I do still believe that. I arrived at the hospital on Valentine's day at 8am. The nurse showed me to my bed and where to put my things and explained that my friend could stay for an hour or so but would have to leave until it was over. there were 2 other woman on the ward. I changed into my pyjamas and then she inserted 4 tablets into my vagina and I had to lie there for an hour so that they would work. I didn't feel anything for a while but than I started to get small period pain like cramps so took some painkillers. I also had a small wheatbag that I had bought with me to heat up which the nurses did. The pain didn't get better it got worse and I have never, ever felt pain like that. I kept going to the toilet and having to go for a wee in a paper bed pan and I could feel small lumps or clots falling. I didn't look but each time I was told to ring the bell so the nurses could check. The pain got worse and I think I must have had a reaction to something as I went all funny and felt sick..I had to have an injection in my bum and then the nurses moved me into a private room where they opened the windows and put some fans on to cool me down. I layed there and closed my eyes and tried to control the pain with breathing. It helped a little bit and I was drifting in and out of sleep. I woke up a while later and the nurse told me I had to go to the toilet and if I didn't pass anything bigger then they would have to insert some more tablets.
I went to toilet and I felt somthing a lot heavier than before drop into the bed pan..I didn't look I didn't want to have to deal with that image on top of everything else. Almost immediatley I felt slightly better, the pains were not as bad.
Anyway the nurse told me I could go home in about half an hour. That night I still had cramps and passed a few clots but nothing as bad as in the hospital..The next couple of days were horrible all I wanted to do was lie in bed and cry. I think I messed myself up over it quite a bit. I don't know why but I decided she was a girl and gave her a name..I got too attached to an idea I knew I couldn't do; it would have been more selfish to give birth to it knowing the kind of life I would provide. Yes, I'd strive for the best but really.. could I possibly offer that? I didn't think I could. I wasn't strong enough. I spent hours reading other peoples stories, getting upset as I knew what they were going through.
On the outside I was the same, I had to be. But to the people that knew on the inside something had changed. I used to go on the internet and look up at what stage I would be at if I had never had the abortion. I would think about it every day and some days I would be fine, knowing that I had made the right choice..and I would be ok for days, weeks (even though I thought about it it wouldn't upset me like it does some days) and then something would trigger me, either hearing a song where the lyrics are meanningful to me..or if I saw a baby in the street, or if somebody told me they were pregnant I would think "that could be me!" On what would of been my due date I took some flowers to my grandad's grave and put them on there for her..I don't know why I just felt had to do something. I have wrote this story out so many times but each time I haven't been able to finish it..I think today being the anniversary of my abortion it has somehow helped me write it all down, just to type out how I'm feeling. For a while I regreted my choice, I thought I was a selfish cow but it came down to the fact that I regreted having to MAKE a choice! I do believe this experience has made me a stronger person and I am a firm believer in the saying that everything happens for a reason. I have good days and bad days..mostly good days but I still think about her everyday and what she would of been like, would she of had my big blue eyes? And I think I will always feel like that..there will always be a part of me that is never fully whole if that makes sense? I know I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now if I had of had her..I'm currently on my final year in college, have a part time job doing something that I love and I hope to go on to uni and then travel..so that when the time is right for me to have children I will be able to provide for them.
I would just like to say thank you for reading my experience, I know its long but I think it has helped me, especially today, to finally write everything down and talk about it.
I would like to tell anybody that is going through a crisis pregnancy or abortion to do what's right for you and for nobody else..yes people judge but until they are in that situation they don't know what its like. Editor's Comment I'm sure writing down your thoughts and feelings in detail helps to move through the grieving process, and allows some of the pain to come out. As you say, an experience like this will always be a part of your story, but hopefully the emotional pain will fade with time. It sounds as though you have done some helpful things to help you grieve like naming your baby, and putting flowers on your Grandad's grave for her. If you feel that you would like more help and support through this grieving process please contact us on the helpline, 0800 028 2228, or contact a centre in your area.
We are not able to refer directly for termination. We offer clients information on all the options and are well resourced
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