We were so happy when we found out we were having another baby. My son was 5yrs and we had decided it was time for another baby.
I was very scared of going to have my bloods taken as I hate needles so I dragged the doctor's visit out saying I would go next week and then the week after. I said I'd go the week after we went on holiday for a week. I was then due to see the midwife on the week we arrived back, but during the last day of my holiday I didn't feel well at all, just really tired and drained and just different. We got home and the day after I experienced some spotting.
I rang the doctor and they gave me the number for antenatal clinic at my local maternity unit. I rang them and was told to go in that evening. I was given a quick assessment, asked about my dates etc. from which they worked out I was 14 wks pregnant.
There was no heartbeat I was then given a scan which showed there was no heartbeat and I was told although the baby was developed to the stage of 14 wks it was small for dates and had not it seems been growing as he should.
I was given 2 choices either be admitted for a d and c or go home and let nature take its course.
I was devastated and went home to think about it.
Labour pains with bleeding I ended up going 3 days with the spotting continuing, and on the 3rd day I got what was like mild labour pains with bleeding. I went to the maternity unit where I stood crying in a pool of blood.
I was put on a bed and a doctor inserted a speculum and took out the remaining clots and tissue- my baby.
I was in a state of confusion through it all. I had to remain over night and was let out the next day.
I have nothing of that baby I am bitter that I didnt get a scan picture of my baby. I was in a state and I wish I could go back to ask for a picture or I wish I had been asked if I wanted one, also when the miscarriage actually took place and the doctor was cleaning me out I was never asked would I like to see. And yes I wish I'd asked very much so to see the baby.
It all seems to happen so quick and now I look back to that moment 6yrs ago and wish I had opened my mouth. I have nothing of that baby, no scan picture, no picture of saying goodbye, nothing and that hurts so much.
I keep a box and in it is the top I wore when I went to the hospital, and a piece of tissue I cried into, my hospital wristband, and a letter I wrote to my baby. nite baby blue xxxxxxxxxxx I'll never ever forget xxxxxxx
Editor's CommentI'm so sorry that you are still grieving for this baby and that you long for something visible to remember your baby. I think that miscarriage is often misunderstood, and the intense feelings of loss and grief are not really talked about. It sounds as though you have done something very positive by having a box with a few memories in it. If you feel you would like to talk this through with a trained advisor, please call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, or follow the link to find a centre for miscarriage support in your area. There is a very supportive programme called The Journey that helps women like you to work through the sadness of their miscarriage.
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