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I let my husband believe it was an accidental pregnancy

I am 36 & have wanted a baby for two years.
My husband doesn't want children. I let my husband believe I had got pregnant accidently. I told him I was taking the pill but I wasn't.

My husband said it was him or the baby

When I found out I was pregnant I was shocked because we had only had sex once & I couldn't believe it. My first thoughts were shock. My husband said it was him or the baby. I knew he didn't want it I felt so alone.
Within 48 hours of finding out I was pregnant I fell to pieces emotionally. I suffer from depression & have been taking anti depressants for 10 months.
I wanted to be happy but I just could not cope with how this would change my life. I contacted a private abortion clinic and I had several counselling sessions before my termination and I also had some afterwards.

I feel I will never be a mum

I hate myself that I could not cope with this event in my life that I wanted so much. Now I feel I will never be a mum because I cannot let myself get into this situation again.
My GP said I have to forgive myself. Some days I do. But I have to live with this for the rest of my life & also the fact I will never be a mum even though I want it.
What if I can't cope if it happened again ! I cannot take that chance. So I remain childless & unhappy & unfulfilled & I did this to myself no one else I am to blame for being weak, selfish & afraid.

Editor's Comment

What a difficult position to be in! You have had to come to terms with your husband not wanting children and then when you decided to try for a baby anyway, it was too hard keeping a secret and standing up for what you longed for. I am not surprised that you are grieving now for your lost hopes and dreams. I do think it would help you to see an advisor who can go through The Journey programme with you and help you to work through these very painful emotions. Please ring the national helpline 0300 4000 999 or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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We are not able to refer directly for termination. We offer clients information on all the options and are well resourced to provide both immediate and long term support as necessary, directing to other agencies as appropriate.
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